talksexxxy.com

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A Lie A Day Keeps The Pain Away

I can honestly say I don’t know what I was thinking. From the beginning I always said that if someone asked me what I was doing I was not going to lie to them. I think that if you lie about something it implies that you have shame in it, or some internal knowledge that it is wrong. And I am not ashamed of what I am doing (I am ashamed of some of the things I have said in the name of some guys fantasy, but as a whole I am not ashamed of the job). So I haven’t been lying about it. Everyone who asks me are told the truth…. except one person.

My Mom, my poor Mom. This are somethings that I should just spear her, right? She is the one person that I didn’t want to know, mostly for her sake. So, once I got this job I told her that I got a fundraising position with The Diabetes Association and I was calling past donors to see if they would like to contribute again. I thought that job was close enough (working from home, on the phone) to the truth that it made a good lie. Plus it is something that I would do, and my ex girlfriend did that exact job a few years ago so I had some knowledge of it.

It was all fine.

I’m the most stupid daughter in the world, and I don’t know why I did it. But my Mom and I were speaking on the phone tonight and, we were talking very honestly and I told her. I told her that I lied and that what I was really doing was phone sex.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! Fuck I am so stupid.

What the hell did I think would happen, how did I think she would react. I knew how she would react, THAT is why I made up the diabetes lie! That is what I should have stuck with. This poor woman went silent. Just silent. I could tell as soon as I said the words that I made completely the wrong decision. STUPID!

I’m not ashamed, I don’t agree with what my Mother thinks of this job, I’m not upset that she now thinks so much less of me…. I’m upset that I caused her that pain. This pain. I can’t escape the thoughts of her trying to fall asleep if only she could escape the thought of her baby girl doing phone sex (what ever she thinks that is, or knows that to be from watching TV or whatever).

All I could do was keep on repeating, I’m so sorry, I should never have told you. I’m so so sorry.

Sometimes a lie is the kindest thing you can give someone.

I’m gonna lie about quitting as soon as it seems believable.

I’m sorry Mom.

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2 responses

  1. dilettante Avatar
    dilettante

    I’m sorry.

    Reply
  2. --- Avatar
    —

    Hey, Thanks for the comment dilettante. And for your, ‘sorry’

    It seemed to all work out for the best perhaps, the truth didn’t kill my , & it is perhaps to have some of those things out in the open. Especially as my views of phone sex have changed so (SO) much over time doing it that is is nice to have a (some what) open dialog.

    Thanks for reading! I’m going to start posting more, & I hope to hear from you again.

    Reply

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The fictional play is based on a blog I wrote while working as a phone sex operator and I did that job over 15 years ago.

The blog you’re looking now.

Even then friends thought phone sex was kind of light and fluffy – how can there be any money in that? It already seemed old fashioned. A friend told me, he assumed I must have been lying and just didn’t want to admit that I was camming. I think that says more about what he was googling than where the money is in online sex work. 

I wasn’t lying and it wasn’t light and fluffy. You might assume now – 15 years later – phone sex… NOW it must be old fashioned. It must be a thing of the past like your  landline – the things that people wanted to talk about then they still want to talk about now. They are the things that often (hopefully) the closest you get to them are only in your mind. 

The blog was bad. It is bad… I’m cringing while rereading it now.

It was anonymous. My daily views were like zero to two. I sent it to a couple of friends who just expressed their concern for me and how they read some of it, but they weren’t able to keep reading it. 

One day, my phone was going a little berserk, and I was getting notification after notification. I freaked out. I went online and I saw that a more popular blog had found mine and reblogged it and in less than 24 hours it had been viewed like over 10K times. I logged on and I made it private so that no one could look at it. I know 10K doesn’t seem viral by today’s standards… I mean, I posted my mom on Tiktok and she got over 8 million – but it was different then and at the time, 10K in a day was way too much. Why put something online, if all you do once people look at it is hide it? I wrote quickly and badly. And I was writing honestly… and honestly… I…